Dear Oprah

Rest assured. I still love you.

Even when you crushed my dreams of becoming a cattle farmer after you sent the beef industry flailing into mad(cow)ness. (hee!)

I was not broken.

Even when you exposed and belittled the beejebus out of James Frey, my illegitimate father.

I was not broken into a millions little pieces. (another hee!)

Even when you refused to have Justin Timberlake (a teen pop sensation and practically a male version of you, Opes!) on the show after six years and thousands of mail requests later…even though you had Britney Spears AND the Spice Girls on (the former, def not an ounce of a version of you Opes and the latter during their Viva Forever days. Viva Forever! Do you even recall that song? Exactly!)

I was not broken.

Even when, Oprah…even when I had just recently wasted two days equivalent of my life calling and emailing and bugging friends to do the same for a chance to breathe the same air as you at Harpo Studios and you refused to so much as acknowledge my friends’ creative and artistic efforts, not to mention my complete devotion and determination.

Ok, that kinda broke me a little but I still loved you.

…which is why I was so excited to find out that the Oprah store is going online!

First, Obama wins prez!

Then, Oprah Store goes online!

Oh Ms. Winfrey! You’re making all my dreams come true!

um what? why are you still reading?

Were you ACTUALLY expecting me to bash my personal role model and greatest woman on earth?

Did you actually think my ‘broken’ remarks would implicate otherwise?

Nonsense!

Sure, I may have cried myself to sleep for a whole year straight after Bessie the Cow had to be slaughtered…and not even EATEN!
And sure, I will never find out if James Frey really is my father after having entered the witness protection program, trying not to get run over by the mini-van majority.

And of course, I’m still, to this day, paying off my visa from the six years worth of stamps.

And I may or may not have gotten fired from my job for being on the phone for two days straight trying to get through to get tickets to the show…

But you know what?

Oprah thinks I am not broken! And she’s opening an online store!

And in the end, it’s all that matters!

…and if you so kindly ever choose to reward my non-brokenness by throwing me a bone (TICKET), I’d totes be up for that, too.

But for now, I shall be satisfied simply shopping around your online store, decorating my Oprah Shrine accordingly.