Imaginary Person: So Blair, what did you do today?
Blair: Oh you know, nothing major. I'm on vacation so I slept in. Got up, made a tea, watched last night's premiere of The City online, had a colonic....
Imaginary Person: Are you pulling my dick? A colonic! For realsies?
Blair: For realsies, my imaginary friend. For realsies.
So as you can ascertain from the exchange above, today I participated in a little colon hydrotherapy (also known as a colonic). And here begins the over-share of the century.
So for those of you who don't know what a colonic is, it's basically "the practice of using water to flush waste from the colon". That's the polite way of saying "we gonna stick a tube up your ass and clean out the old poop." A more scientific description is as follows:
The mechanics of colonics involve a large container filled with filtered water which flows into a tube. This tube is attached to a disposable hard plastic instrument called a proctoscope. Once the proctoscope is gently inserted into the rectum, a second tube is attached which carries waste matter and water out of the body and directly into the septic system. Water entering the body travels through the colon and exits into the waste tube in a continuous flow. In this way, water is able to travel the entire length of the colon (approximately 5 to 5 1/2 feet), reaching all the way to the cecum, the farthermost region of the colon where waste matter and parasites typically settle. A membranous flap called the ileocecal valve separates the colon from the small intestine, preventing water from flowing beyond the colon. There is no mess and no odour as the water and waste are completely contained.
I was a teensy bit nervous going into the whole thing, because I have ass issues, and particularly issues surrounding people/clowns shoving tubes into it. But I've been thinking of getting a colonic for over a year now. I've done shitloads (ha) of research and talked to quite a few people who have had them done and I decided to go for it.
Upon walking into the centre, I was asked to fill out a questionnaire that asked about my health history, any digestive issues I had, and requested that I describe my typical bowel movements. You should know that I love talking about poop. I have to admit - I may talk a big game, but I was totes embarrassed talking about it with a complete stranger. I was lead to the colonic room where me and the colonic therapist had a lovely chat about the process, my general health, how the colon works, etc. She told me to strip down below the waste while she left the room. She also pointed to the toilet in the room and said I should try and 'relieve' myself if possible. Um, no. I peed a little, and that seemed to please her. So she re-entered the room when I was ready and then began the elegant and not at all embarrassing process (ha!) of sticking the tube into my ass. It didn't hurt, it was just uncomfortable. I tend to poop when I'm uncomfortable. Vicious circle.
So basically, water (alternating between warm and cool) goes into the colon while the colonic therapist describe what's happening and manages the tubes. She made me feel totally comfortable, gave me a heating pad to keep my tummy warm, and helped me stay calm and relaxed. The slap on the ass to get things going was a little unexpected, though.
Just kidding.
In all seriousness, it really wasn't painful. It was hard to relax, but it didn't hurt. Water goes in, she squeezes a tube, and stuff comes out. And you get to watch the stuff come our because there's mirrors above the bed you're laying on. Sexy, non? The only uncomfortable bits were when she pinched off the water tube in order to keep the water circulating in the colon. She alternated between quick holds and longer holds, so the longer holds started to make me feel like I was going to pop the tube out. But that didn't happen. She stopped to massage my abdomen a few times to keep things going. We chitchatted about the weather and stuff. It was pretty pleasant all in all.
So, um. How do I go into this next part....
Sweet fancy moses, Stuff. Came. Out. Like, way more than I thought. At first it was just water but about 10 minutes into it, teeny pieces of other stuff started to come out. And later on there were some bigger pieces. The therapist was very excited about this! (Overly excited?) When I noticed the tube was pulsing (for serious) she said that it was a good sign of a healthy colon, because my colon was pushing the water right back out, causing the tube to spasm slightly. Gross/fascinating.
After about 30 minutes the process was over. She left the room, I used the toilet and that was it. I was then given a big probiotic pill to swallow. Which I didn't. I have a pill swallowing problem so I came home, busted the pill open and drank it in a margarita.
Just kidding!
I mixed it into brownie batter and ate that instead. Hee.
So would I do it again? Yes.
Would I recommend it to my friends? Totally.
Was it pricey? Nope. About $75. There's the option to buy packages of sessions which end up being about a 30% discount off the one-time price.
Will I be haunted by images of my old poop draining in a tube before my eyes? Oh most definitely.
I left with a feeling of lightness and well being. Then I went to PizzaPizza and got 2 slices of pepperoni pizza. True story.
XOXO
Blair
Seriously.
Virgin Mary just gave birth to Jesus... again.
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/4/20081227/twl-peruvian-virgin-mary-gives-birth-to-41f21e0.html
Bristol Palin also had a kid this past week, she named him Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. Not bad.
Ok.
WTF?
Who the eff would name their child after a mass murder because “no one else in the world would have that name”? http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20081217/twl-baker-no-cake-for-little-hitler-3fd0ae9.html
There are some things you should consider when naming your child. Number one, don’t name him or her after a mass murderer who tried to kill off an entire race.
No one else in the world is likely named Cracker, or Jewel-Case or Stapler and yet all of those would have been MORE acceptable than Adolf Hitler.
And their daughter with the middle name Aryan Nation? What was their reasoning there???? That’s not even a NAME.
We should be allowed to veto children’s names when printing the birth certificates.
Right about now, Pilot Inspektor Lee in sure looking like a stand-up name….
It makes me sick to my stomach to think there are people out there that still idolize Hitler and what he stood for.
But don’t worry, the Wal-Mart made the cake so the poor child doesn’t have to suffer the indignity of having a birthday cake without his name on it as well as having to live his whole life with that moniker.
M
Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas, happy holidays and a prosperous and healthy 2009. We'll be back to blogging once the eggnog hangover clears, and Blair wakes up from her turkey coma.
Best wishes from the TigerBeat Socialites.
The Duggar family of Arkansas welcomed their 18th child into the world this weekend.
18th.
The Duggars, you see, are batshit crazy. And to put the cherry on top of the crazy cake, they bestow upon their brood first names that start with the letter 'J.' Jordyn-Grace weighed in at 3.26kg and was 51cm long at birth. The Duggars other 17 children are Joshua, 20; Jana and John-David (twins), 18; Jill, 17; Jessa, 16; Jinger, 14; Joseph, 13; Josiah, 12; Joy-Anna, 11; Jeremiah, 9; Jedidiah, 9 (twins again?); Jason, 8; James, 7; Justin, 6; Jackson, 4; Johannah, 3; and Jennifer, 1. Clever shit naming that Jinger one. Must have had a little too much church wine that night, huh Mrs. Duggar? And the best part is, THEY WANT MORE CHILDREN. Please, someone, intervene. I vomit just THINKING about what their bathroom must look like with all those boys. Blech.
The real victim here is, of course, Mr. Duggar, who probably hasn't enjoyed sex since 1984. Because when you think about it, after 18 kids it must be pretty much like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Do you think that maybe during the delivery, some clever doctor shouted "Last time I saw a hole that big, Evil Knievel was jumping over it!"
I think.
She's vaginormous.
Ok I'm done now.
XOXO
Blair
mommy likes.
in unrelated news, zac efron inches closer to suicide with each passing day. the jealousy consumes him. and he's running dangerously low on self tanner and lip gloss.
xoxo
blair
A few years ago my mother's curtains were stolen from my parents home in broad daylight. There were no witnesses, and we couldn't fathom what anyone would want with some old ugly-ass curtains. So imagine my surprise when, during my seasonal stalking of soap opera actresses, I solved the case. This bitch stole my mom's curtains and a mere 5 years later had the nerve to wear them as a skirt to the Valkyrie premiere. You're in for a world of hurt Michelle Stafford. A world of hurt. I'm going to go both YOUNG and RESTLESS on your thieving ass. Sleep with one eye open you klepto ginger whore. ONE. EYE. OPEN.
XOXO
Blair
I totally forgot these two hookers existed, much less that they were engaged. But turns out Ms. Methface (Fergie) and Mr. Tall Generic Guy (Josh Duhamel) have finally set a wedding date - January 10th. Fergie's best known for making the Black Eyed Peas relevant, and peeing herself on stage. Josh Duhamel is best known for personifying oatmeal, and being in that "How to Win a Date with Tad Hamilton' movie. They are registered at Crate and Barrel. I shit you not.
XOXO
Blair
So this weekends plans include:
baking a cake,
making my own icing,
using one of those hand blender thingies to make the icing,
going to the ballet (a matinee show),
attending a dinner party hosted by fellow TBSer Kelly for her grown up birthday,
drinking tea and watching Coronation Street on Sunday morning at 7 AM.
I’m growing up people!!! Gah! I guess it happens to the best of us, right?
muah.
M.
Amazing. Spectacular. Oscar-worthy. Brilliant.
None of these words will ever be used to describe the shiteous mess that is Twilight.
Jesus H. Macy and William H. Christ this was one terrible movie. And I wanted it to be good. I wanted it more the Lindsay Lohan wants to actually be attracted to chicks. How did I miss reading any review that mentioned that Twilight is unintentionally the comedy smash hit of the season? Evidently my rage blackouts have escalated to the point where I no longer have any sense of what’s going on in the world.
GAH! So bad.
Within the first 15 minutes we were laughing so hard, I forget I was watching a movie that is supposed to be serious and heart-wrenching. It was excruciating and embarrassing. Angela laughed so much she started crying and (thankfully) suffered from temporary blindness due to the tears. At first I felt guilty, thinking my snickering-turned giggling-turned all out goose honking laugh was bothering fellow audience members. But as it turned out, the rest of the audience was not blind/deaf/headless, and by the end the whole lot of us were like a family united in laughing at the crap on toast that Twilight delivered. We bonded.
I kept waiting for it to, like, you know, get good. But it didn't. Even the low-key scenes were excruciating and seriously I may have cracked a rib from the laughing.
On a positive note, Robert Pattinson (as Edward Cullen - teenage vampire extraordinaire) and Kristen Stewart (as Bella Swan – average teen in love with a sexy vampire whose accent changed 3 separate time during the film) do the best they can with the material they were given. They are both huge talents, and I don't think their careers will suffer much as a result of this movie. Side note: kudos to the marketing GENIUSES at Summit who made the trailer for this movie look phenom, given that the production values are in fact more along the line with something one's drunk and pervy uncle videotaped at a wedding.
And here I would like to take a minute to describe the WORST scene in the history of film (and I've seen the Spice Girls movie as well as The Talented Mr. Ripley, yet believe me when I say that Twilight was the worst). So in the books, vampires can go out in sunlight (doesn't fry them to a crisp or anything) but the effect is..radiant. Sparkly. The scene in the movie where Edward reveals his sparkle to Bella is a PSA for adult diapers. KILLED MYSELF. The entire theatre was roaring with laughter. So bad. So, so bad. He looks like he was sparkling himself up for a gay pride parade.
And now, to the makeup. Dear Twilight executives: FIRE YOUR MAKEUP ARTIST. Jesus. Terrible. And what's with casting a bunch of naturally dark-haired people and then bleaching their hair blonde? Nikki Reed (from Thirteen) plays vampire Rosaline, who is described in the book as very blonde. Nikki Reed, however, is a Latina fantastica. The overall effect is more mental patient than vampire beauty. In the books, the Cullen vampire clan are described as being shockingly attractive. Obviously, the casting execs skimmed over this part of the book. Because other than Nikki Reed the rest of the teen camps are disgustingtons.
There’s a scene in the movie where Edward plays Bella the lullaby he’s written for her. Mmm…cute boy playing piano. So I thought, pretty hard scene to fuck up right? Wrong. What is described in the book as a powerful and emotional private moment where Edward reveals his love via song instead looks like a cheesy Meatloaf-inspired 80s music video complete with a smoke machine and spinny camera work. Overall, the special effects in this film were seemingly orchestrated by a 49 year old meth addict named Roy who has a severe hand twitch and a pretty serious spiderman obsession.
And now to (my boyfriend) Robert Pattinson. Robert is so beautiful it’s almost painful. Like gorgeous. And that hair! That hair should win an Oscar. He also looks amazing in clothes. In our post-movie debrief (at a bar, natch) Angela was preoccupied with trying to determine how this movie cost so much to make, given the stanky production values and budget cast. Well, it would appear the money went into Rob’s ‘Edward’ wardrobe. This boy wears the hell out of a pair of jeans. And in a cotton t-shirt? I creamed. So hot, despite spending half the movie looking like he's been shot in the foot, is in severe pain, and is simply trying to walk it off. My favourite Edward scene is the one that takes place when Edward and Bella go public with their relationship during a sexy strut from the parking lot to the Forks High School doors (Go Spartans!). Yummers. Kristen Stewart is beautiful. Perfect for the role. Gorgeous without being intimidating. Kinda girl next door and tomboyish which works really well for Bella. Her skin is perfection. I officially have a new girl crush (step aside, Rachel McAdams).
Another great scene is the climax (ha) of the movie – the first Bella/Edward kiss. Oh it’s good. It made the rest of the movie bearable. 14 year old girls across the country will be losing their virginity en masse after watching that scene. Best.Kiss.Ever.
I wish I had nicer things to say about the supporting case, but I don’t. The Emmett character is apparently unable to be in a car without sticking his head out the window like some sort of dog. And the sideways baseball caps and ghetto white boy wardrobe is brutal. Jasper looks like he’s shitting himself in every scene. Props to the writer on only giving him two lines.
The character of James (badass vampire with a ponytail who’s big into human hunting) is played by Cam Gigandet. He does a decent job. Maybe a little overkill on the head cocking and deep inhaling whenever he gets close to Bella. I should take this moment to say that if you haven’t read the book you would have NO FUCKING CLUE what was happening in the movie. I read the book and I had NO FUCKING CLUE was was happening in the movie.
About ¾ of the way through the mental lobotomy, I turned to Angela and whispered (ok shouted): “They knew it was bad. When they were making it. They knew, right? How could they not know. They must have known.” Then I spent the rest of the movie trying to catch a glimpse into the eyes of the actors to see if there was any indication that behind their perfectly coiffed hair and black eyeliner-rimmed eyes they were silently screaming for help and also for forgiveness.
Mercifully, after 2 painful hours it ended. And even the ending was sucky and cheesy. And the way things are left, it wouldn’t make sense unless there was a sequel. So there’s going to be a sequel. Shudder.
And now if you’ll excuse me, ever since Edward said to Bella that she was his exact brand of heroin, I’ve had a real hankering for the stuff. Off to self-medicate!
XOXO
Blair
