A certain somebody may have been out last night at the Four Seasons Toronto Four Seasoning it up. Oh Emmm Geee. Seriously, Ang and I are having a fit right now! Our future husband is in town for about five weeks working on something. We don't know what, but I'm very excited about the possibility of seeing him. This is all.
A very happy Kelly.
See post below before reading this one. Then slap on your adult diapers and enjoy this latest email from my mother, the world's worst matchmaker.
XOXO
Blair
So it's fairly common knowledge that I have the cutest mom ever. True story. She's short and French and loud. And has never - not even once- NOT been cut off while leaving me a voicemail on my cell. She likes to call and leave me running commentary on her day. No joke, I get 5 minute voicemails from her describing the sandwich she made for my dad for lunch, the fact that she won 2 games of computer solitaire in a row, and every - single - detail - of the latest episode of Ghost Whisperer. Today, my mom has reached new heights of cuteness. Below is the EXACT text of an email my mom sent this morning. I'm not even going to edit the typos, because they just make it more fun. Enjoy.
Good morning sweetie!.. This morning, in the lawndry room, I met this VERY handsome young man named Kevin. He's 28 years old, his dad is scotish, his mom is Dutch born in Amsterdam speaks dutch fluently. He moved here last month in a 2 bdrm apt. on the second floor with a roommate (male). His supervisor is my friend Shirley, he works for Tim Horton across the bridge (you know the one) he is the baker. He went to Niagara College He is taking a course as an electrician. (his dream). Sunday was his birthday so meaning it can't get better than this because he's an ........ARIES!!!!!. and the best part............HE HAS NO GIRLFRIEND......We were just making conversation. I promised you that I did not question him like an investigative. (Cause I know that's what your'e thinking). Well, that is all for today. You know I love you.........Hope we will be able to fix our Skype soon. Miss you, love you.
Mom
XOXO
Blair
Where on earth was my invite to this?
Where?!
Here are some tidbit comments us TBSers thought of while watching the awards show. Hem Hem…
The 2009 Junos this year was ummm well what we all expected it to be? Lackluster? Predictable? Whatever. That said. Let's begin.
Starting off the show: Nickelback. At least they're not closing. Ugh. Shitty hair, shitty band, shitty song. Shitty! Fraggle Rock. Hey, did Chad Kroger get plastic surgery??? He totally looks like he did OR is it that the whole “don't shoot me from this angle” thing, cause he does that too…
KD Lang I will always heart. So glad she made it out!
Best Songwriter Of The Year -- Dallas Green. Love him, but wtf is it about Leah Miller. Why Dallas why!? Am I being mean? She just likes to steal the show and grab allll the attention, so I'm going to stop writing about her now. Like I’d like her if she weren’t such an attention whore ya know? She just thinks she’s the shit and not in a good way. That’s all :) Nice dress though. OK I'm done. No really it's nice, but she still looks like a bobble head cause every time we see her she's skinnier and skinnier. Eat something woman! OK now done for good.
Sam Roberts Performance: Put my computer down just for this! Seriously. He will always always be my number one. Love you SAM! Like he just keeps getting hotter and hotter and is the sweetest man you will ever meet who is so freaking smart with an unbelievable talent. In fact, they're all sweet! Special shout out to our second favourite drummer in Canada Joshua Trager. Sorry Joshua we have another number one forever and ever. Number two is actually like number one really. But amazing performance boys and kudos to the lighting guy. Love the whole colour thing happening there.
Best Group Of The Year: Nickelback. Seriously, Chad Kroger got plastic surgery. Awesome. Looooks....Better. If that's possible.
Best Rap Performer: Kardinal Official. Naturally. Cool Cat.
Performance: Sarah McLachlan. Props for having Luke Ducet in your band woman!
New Artist Of The Year: Lights. Totally thought it would be her. She’s had a really good year! Someone give her a double Big Mac svp!
P.S. Elise Estrada where the eff did you get your dress? La Senza? You look like you should be in the window of Queen Street’s Miss Behavin’.
Performance: The Stills -- Pretty good performance boys. And a really cool stage design! It's been broughten.
Performance: City and Colour with Gord Downie -- Gord looks good. Like really good. I love this song Sleeping Sickness. It was really touching. Good stuff, but you wouldn't expect any less from these two fellas.
Loverboy Inducted to the Canadian Music Hall Of Fame: Love the heart from this band. They seem so down to earth and great full for everything they have. How these guys are still rockin' amazes me! I think I want to catch their next show no?
Performance: Chrystal Shawanda, Divine Brown and Serena Ryder -- Good stuff ladies. Way to make us Canadian ladies proud. I’ve never really paid attention to Divine Brown and I enjoyed this soft performance. Power voice. POW! She also looks a lot different. Did she lose weight? She seems so different from last year’s Junos. Serena Ryder is pure awesome. This chick really knows how to rock it!
Fan Choice Award: Surprise surprise we don't want you back Nickelback. It should have been Feist folks!!! Umm sounds fixed. Why does Nickelback look shocked? Cause pretty much everyone hates you in Canada?! I don't care, but he so got some surgery...maybe like that deviated septum thing like HSH Ashley Tisdale. But whatever he got it. I don’t know why I want to know so badly.
Performance: Simple Plan -- "Your love is just a lie"...and well we'd be lying if we said we liked this performance. Turn the music down, put on long pants and then come back. Capri pants went out in 1992. Stop dressing like Avril Lavigne circa 2002.
Performance: Bryan Adams and Kathleen Edwards -- Sooo beautiful. Loved it. Those two are amazing and have an awesome chemistry. And I loved how Bryan cracked up at the adorable Kathleen in the middle. She's just so awesome. I love her so! Hell I love them both.
Artist of the Year -- Our boys our boys!!!!! The Sam Roberts Band! This makes me happy and gives us hope. Congrats boys! We love you times a million.
Album of the Year: Surprise surprise again Nickelback. Surgery for sure! I can't stop obsessing. Yes Chad Kroger the press ARE hating you. Oh and newsflash! You're not Gods hurry the eff up! Love that the Juno folks booted them off the stage. They have absolutely nothing to say at all. Here you have Sam Roberts giving a heartfelt thoughtful, articulate lovely speech and then there's Fraggleback. One reason why people from Canada don't like you. Take notes. We don't hate b/c you're successful and your music totally sucks. Even if you're like a generic shitty band be humble about it just a little. You know Canadian about it and then...and then we’ll be happy for ya OK? Until then, we’ll continue to have a hate on. We probably never will like you, so just home and get some more surgery cause you still look like Fraggle Rock.
Closing Performance: Great Big Se. Good stuff boys! I always enjoy some good ol’ East coasters.
The End.
Side Notes:
Elvis Costello and Diana Krall. Why are you holding hands while presenting an award? Lame.
The Stills -- Not so new so how can they get New Group Of The Year? This is why everyone thinks the Junos Awards are a pure sham. They always do this! It’s so annoying! Welcome to like ummmmm 7 years ago folks.
Sam Roberts band -- Rock album of the year. Yay!
Is it funny how everyone who is winning is from Vancouver?
Russell Peters -- pretty funny guy. He did a good job again this year. Props.
Ummm who designed the stage? Awful. Tacky. Ewww. Economic times?
Kind of loved the poncho on James Hall from the SRB band. Seriously, Jimmy were you listening to me this summer when I wanted to bring the poncho back?!
And that’s all folks.
The 2009 Junos in a nutshell.
xoxo.
Kells.
So my landlord just called to inform me that she's installing a low flow shower head in my shower. Already, I liken showering in my apartment to being casually spit on from above, so this should work out wonderfully (sarcasm, sarcasm).
XOXO
Blair
Little known fact: the world’s most tragically
uninteresting and dreadful people instantly become 27% MORE boring and/or
obnoxious when they're on an elevator. Working in a large office tower in
Toronto's financial district, I come across people more boring than dirt on a
daily basis. This issue is compounded by the fact that the first 17 floors I
pass to get to my office are full of bankers. The older bank people I don't
mind so much. They know to keep their traps shut on the elevator - maybe a few
perfunctory comments about the weather or the 'global economic crisis' or
Britney Spears. I greatly respect this stance, and fully support the minimal
chatter on the elevator movement.
Because here’s the deal: no one wants to hear
you talk/no one cares about you or your life/just shut the fuck up for 3
minutes until you get to your office please.
Unfortunately, the quiet elevator movement has been thwarted by the BOB. BOB = Boring Obnoxious Banker. BOBs can be male or female, and are typically between the ages of 22 and 30. The male BOB is identifiable by the hard as rock gelled hair, Second Cup coffee glued to their hand, and a blackberry in the other hand. The female BOB sports a knockoff designer handbag, circa 2001 highlights (?!) and a barrel-sized coffee from Tim Hortons. The male BOBs are, for the most part, tolerable. They can be heard droning on about annual reports, the latest 'figures,' and basketball scores. Snooze. The female BOB, however, has recently reached new heights of annoyingness, as I witnessed firsthand on the elevator last week.
The scene: Elevator. Last Thursday. 9 a.m. Approximately 25 year old female BOB with a voice like a cartoon hyena enters the elevator with an older male (presumably her boss) and an older female (a co-worker). The following exchange occurred (please keep in mind that this occurred on a packed elevator where she was surrounded by 5 strangers, as well as the two unfortunate victims mentioned above.
Older Male (OM): So, I guess with the prices being what they are, you’re stepping up your search to buy a condo?
Young female BOB speaking to OM: {Talking so loudly my hair hurt, and she had penchant for saying everything like it’s a question?} Like oh my god. So all my friends are buying condos? And I’m like, I want a condo! And like, do you want to give me the money for a down payment? Because I have like no money! Did you like win the lottery or something?
Entire elevator suppressing desire to gag the BOB/commit suicide. I, meanwhile, began searching my purse for something to fashion into a makeshift shiv.
OM: Um….
Older female (OF): {Trying to break the awkward silence created by unbelievably rude BOB with volume issues} So, any plans for the weekend?
BOB: Like oh my god, like my best friend is getting married? And she’s such a bridezilla and I’m like so whatever, like so over it, you know?
And then god smiled down upon me and the elevator door opened and the BOB walked off. And not even joking the entire elevator sighed with relief, and put away our crudely made shivs.
The point? When you’re on an elevator, just shut up. No one wants to hear it. Your life isn’t interesting. Not even a little. To quote someone I don’t know who may or may not have been a contestant on America's Next Top Model: "Keep it cute or put it on mute".
Scratch that: "Just put it on mute".
XOXO
Blair
Hey there kitties!
Ang here with Kel Taylor… blogging about the red carpet portion of the Junos as they happen. We’ll see where things will go; I’m currently bitter for not being there, having had the most fun eves in Halifax and Calgary …AND have also just spent the last six hours of my life violently vomiting, stuck at home with the flu.; while Kel just spent the last six hours of her life febreezing the whole place. Bitter and sick and tired…. This blogging should be totes fun!
7:00 p.m.Start off interviewing Nickelback…that lainey could be an award winning actress; showing enthusiasm when announcing their interview when on her blog, she disses them any chance she gets. Loves it!
7:00 – 7:03Kelly Taylor accidentally turned off some wire; waiting for the tv to come back on… hey..whatever it takes to NOT watch nickelback. Good job, Kel!
7:05 Hedley; the hot guy talks? So far so good.. oh wait they just threw the mic to Jacob. I retract my ‘so far so good’... also..those suits? the band claims it's Armani... and by that do they actually mean Armani Exchange? ewww.
Tanya Kim..oh sorry TK…wins the ‘too much bronzer award’ previously bestowed upon Sophia Lauren at last month’s Academy Awards
7:06 First spotting of coolness: BRANDON CANNING! Guess it’s a good thing my flu is keeping me away from the Dakota tonight; all my fave regulars are off in Vancouver
7:08; second spotting of coolness: Luke Doucet! Good job on panning the camera on the awesome people there, CTV; too bad you’re interviewing some OTHER losers!
7:13: Serenda Ryder, duuuuuude, you know I love you but you must have outfits in your closets other than the ones i see you wearing every other sunday... and that hair...oh that hair! .... did i mention im a faaaaab stylist?
7:15, when interviewing Russel Peters, I noticed that Ben Mulroney is probably one of the worst interviewers ever. Like doesn’t actually listen to what the other people are saying, therefore when Russel Peter's is all 'how are you', Ben completely ignores it and is all 'so last year when you were here'. ugh. cringy.
7:16 why did I never know that’s what Buffy Sainte Marie looks like? Like an even more ‘colourful’ (read: crazy) version of Alannah Myles… I bet she’s the greatest partier ever! I bet! If that fruit salad dress is any indication, anyway...
7:17 hey TK, really hope you tell the other SYTYCD chick that she looks beautiful, too..
oh wait..you’re not? Awkward!...
7:18, seriously TK…what’s with the bronzer? Trying to also outdo Hugh Jackman AND Ben Mulroney? Very ambitious!
7:19 FEIST spotting! Lover her.. and her husband! Someone pan to her husband! Le sigh.
7:24; I totally want someone to take this ‘rehab’ comment out of context. Would be the best.
7:25 I still don’t understand this union; Leah Miller and Dallas Green. He’s clearly a douchebag, non? Clearly. Though she is wearing a pretty great outfit, I’ll give her that.
7:30 panned over to KD lang! KD LANGGGGGG!
7:31 just mentioned JUNOS in St. JOHN’s. get ready people, Kels and I are SOOOOOOO there! SO THERE!
7:31 lights and gian gomeshi; why does gian have to be in every signle shot. Super creeperesque… and where’s her fabulous bandmates?!
7:35 kd lang! OMFG! Loooooooooooove!
7:37 props to having the Stills on.
7:41 Bryan Adams and Kathleen Awards; please note his publicist Tyson Parker standing inches away. Awesome. Kathleen looks fab! And so does Bryan. Ahaha love how Bryan Adams just told TK…just told her! as if he’d ever do anything with Lindsey Lohan. Puhhlease.
7:41 OMFG! Michael Buble sighting. And he’s chewing gum! I wonder if its still the same gum…MY gum that I gave him at last year’s Junos... Le sigh.
7:43 wow Diana Krall; calm down your bitchface there. Oh dear, how unfortunate; she has permanent bitchface
7:47 OMFG! Ron Sexmith; and my crush just escalated! Love love love!
p.s. Sarah Slean? Whatta fab gorgeous lil’ lady!
7:49 love watching the PR women being the bitches and calling the shots.
7:53 ahahahahahahah!!! I totes entered the contest for the freebies to go this year; had I known you’d actually have to stand there and be interviewed, would not have even bothered. And I love Chantal’s totes not impressed to be there. Love!
7:55 oh gawd, Michael Buble. Love so much. So so much! You can just tell he’s the biggest douche. Swooooon.
8:00 the end. Over. Finito. Now waiting for actual awards
…till then!
Call me a bitter hag for missing out on all the fun this weekend at the Junos in Vancouver, but I’ve been sitting around here listening to CBC Radio 3 allllllllll day long and for all the amazing Canadian music there’s out here, lo and behold, someone decided to play the one band that makes my ears bleed; The Weakerthans.
Gah! Blah! Egads!
They’re like a junior version of the Tragically Hip and that can only mean all kinds of bad.
No personal offense to the Weakerthans; it just means I don’t like you. That can’t be the end of the world, right?
Also…Constantines? Pretty sure I used to admit to liking them? Pretty sure I was lying to myself.
K, that’s all.
Carry on with your fine selves.
Happy 67th birthday Aretha Franklin. Lookin good, mamma cita. P.S. PETA called. Sleep with one eye open.
XOXO
Blair
